This week we present two stories from people who found an intersection between numbers and their sex life.

Part 1: When online dating isn't working out for him, Tristan Attwood decides to analyze the data himself.

Tristan Attwood works as a business analyst for the airline industry. Originally from the Portland, Oregon, area, Tristan relocated to DC more than a decade ago after serving as a field organizer for a Senate campaign. Having been "unschooled" as a child, Tristan attended Linfield College in Oregon in the early 2000s but did not technically receive a high school diploma until getting his GED from the District of Columbia in 2015. He spends his free time renovating his DC townhouse, playing dungeons and dragons, and apologizing for the airline industry. He resides in DC with his wife, Jessica, and newborn baby Roland Tiberius.

Part 2: In search of a deal, Gastor Almonte ends up with an unmanageable number of condoms.

Gastor Almonte is a stand-up comedian and storyteller from Brooklyn, NY. He's appeared on Comedy Central's This Is Not Happening, Risk! podcast and the Story Collider Podcast. Timeout magazine named him one of your "New Comedy Obsessions." He's been featured on the New York Comedy Festival, The People's Impov Theater's SoloCom and Cinderblock Comedy Festival. His new album, Immigrant Made, was released in March 2019.

Episode Transcript

Part 1: Tristan Attwood

So I was sitting around. I was hanging out. I was checking my phone, like you do, and I realized that 80% of all the photos in my phone were of my cat Peek, which is adorable but a little weird. And then I went and texted my friend about this and I realized 80% of my texts to my friend were also about my cat Peek, which is still adorable but like a little weirder.

And I realized I should really expand my social circle. I should really get out there, meet some new people, so I decided I should start dating. I was single at the time.

But the last time I went out there and I was trying to meet people, trying to date, it was in college. It was in undergrad, which is a very different environment from being a professional in D.C., right? It’s much easier. So because I wasn’t into the bar scene, I decided I’m going to use the internet for this. I’m going to use OkCupid.

And the reason I used OkCupid was because it is, or it claims to be, a data-driven dating website. They've got a whole data blog. Create an account there, answer a bunch of questions, they use some algorithms to match with people. As a data guy, I really liked that. I really loved that kind of rigor to it. I thought that’s going to make things better.

So I get up there, I create a profile, answer some questions, start matching with people and I go on some dates. Nothing is really happening but it’s fun. I’m getting out there, I’m meeting new people, I’m not taking pictures of my cat. It’s good.

Tristan Attwood shares his story with the Story Collider audience at Bier Baron Tavern in Washington, DC in August 2019. Photo by Lauren Lipuma.

Then I get matched with this girl. She's cute. And, according to the site, we are 99% compatible. We are basically perfect. I’m thinking, “This is awesome. The science has just delivered my soul mate to me. I can check the box on dating. Everything is good. Just solve this right here.”

So we go on a date. We get drinks, just chatting. You know, normal first-date stuff. Until, apropos of nothing, she just suddenly says, “You know, I don't really believe in rape,” which is not how I expected that conversation to go.

And I didn’t really know how to respond, because like how do you respond to that out of nowhere? So I just sort of said, “Oh?” And did whatever.

Over the course of the conversation, it became clear that she was of the opinion that you could always fight someone off, which is not something I believe. I was trying not to engage but like I sort of couldn’t help myself because that was weird. so I’m like, “Okay, but like size and leverage and all these things.”

And she says, “No, no, no. That’s fine. I've got a combat knife in my purse and I've taken classes on how to use it,” which is really not how I expected that conversation to go.

So I took a quick look, make sure I know where the exits are in case I needed to run. Date ends uneventfully compared to that. We say our goodbyes. I give her a fake phone number. I go home.

And I fell into this really deep weird funk because the data, the science had told me, “Hey, we are 99% compatible.” It’s like 1% off from perfect. It’s basically perfect. And what does that mean that this is what perfect for me looks like? Right. You see my problem.

So I got way inside my head about that for a couple of days. And then I found myself just staring at my profile on the website, which is always a healthy thing to do. I’m staring at it, I’m thinking, “You know what? No. Their data got me into this mess. My data will get me out of this mess.”

So I created a spreadsheet which is, again, always healthy. I created a spreadsheet and I just started recording basic demographic information. So name, age, what do they do? How did I think the date went? What did I think of them? Did they talk about having a knife? Basic information.

And I start going on dates and I’m just looking for anything that pops up. I don't really know what’s important so I’m just looking at anything. And I found something, which was interesting. So, for women in the age range I was dating, according to the US Social Security Administration, the most common name is Jessica. So about a third of all women, roughly, born between ‘80 and ‘89 are named Jessica.

But when I looked at my data, 40% of all the women were named Catherine or some version of Catherine. So Catherine, Kate, Katie, Kat, whatever. Some version of Catherine. Which is doubly interesting because they were only screen names. I didn’t know that her name was Catherine before I went on this date with her, but it was because they were all named Catherine.

And this was awesome, right? This validated my approach. I’m like, “Okay. I am clearly dating some interesting subset of the population.” I know, right? “And I can use this. Like I can make things better using this leverage I have, this data.”

But knowing that my next date is probably going to be named Catherine is interesting but not useful, so I need to find out what the useful stuff is. At this point, I switched from a spreadsheet to a database I made in SQL one day. Still super healthy. And I was collecting all the same old data but I was also collecting a bunch more data.

So ethnicity, religion. Is religion important to them? Where did they go to school? What’s their degree in? A whole bunch of things. About 20 fields all told. And I thought, “This is going to really help me optimize this, help me fix this.”

I’m going to stop here for a second. When you create a database that has 20-something data elements in on it and then you go on your first date, you're not a good date. So in a first date, ideally you have like lively, interesting conversation. I was just mentally going like, “Data element one: Name, Data element two: Age,” and just going down the list. Which is, a) not how people talk and, b) made me seem like a crazy person, made me seem like a stalker which is definitely not what I wanted.

Luckily, I was able to realize I was doing this. I was able to be cool for once, which was a great surprise. And then I was able to move on.

So over the course of dating, over the course of about two years, I went on give or take 250 first dates, which is too many first dates. Like that is too many. But what that did do is that gave me a ton of data. I could really run some analysis on this and create a profile of someone I matched well with and someone I didn’t, which was awesome. Because when you go on 250-something dates, you get so dejected, right? Because most first dates are not interesting. There's no sudden knife. It’s just boring, lifeless conversation. And that really drains you emotionally.

So I must have told my friends I’m giving up dating a half dozen times, which they loved, by the way. They loved that. But with this profile, I was able to actually be really strategic about my emotional energy, with the kind of work I did. So if I matched with someone and nothing is... there's just red flags, great. Move on. If I matched with someone and it’s all great, okay. Perfect. I can put my energy into that.

So what I was finding was my kind of mathematically ideal date was ethnically Jewish, but religion was not a big part of her life. She went to a small private college. Interesting side note, if they went to an Ivy League, huge red flag. Huge red flag. Never would have guessed that but if you went to an Ivy League school and went on a date with me, just terrible, boring conversation. You’ll want to leave. They had a very dark sense of humor and the most correlated with things going well was them messaging me first, which was interesting and probably said some stuff about me.

So all of this was great when Jessica messaged me first. Great sign. Turns out she had a master’s degree, another great flag. She went to a small private college.

So we go on a date, things are going really well, I’m getting excited. I’m thinking she's awesome but I wish she would match a couple more things, which she did on our second date when dark sense of a humor is a good flag for me and she made so many murder jokes. It was just nonstop murder jokes, which worked for me to the point where, about a year, two years after that, we got married. And then about three months ago we had our son Roland who’s tying in perfect.

But here’s the kicker. So I went on 250 first dates, built a database, did all this analysis, found Jessica. Right? Great. Perfect. Except that Jessica went on one date with me and was done. So data and science will get you a long way but it’s not the only way to get there. Thank you.

Part 2: Gastor Almonte

Whenever people go shopping for condoms they never price shop. Like they don’t look for the best budget. And it’s one of the few items like that. Like you never see somebody haggling at the corner store, like, “Listen, I need those Lifestyles but three for five is ridiculous.” I've never seen this conversation.

And it’s a shame because every penny counts. This is not my whole deal. My dad told me this. He sat me down one day. He's like, “Gastor, listen. You're 24 years old. When I was 24, I owned a supermarket, three rental properties and a vacant lot.”

I owned the futon. We weren’t on the same level. He was concerned, unfathomably so.

So he was like, “Listen, you got to start... you're making decent money. You got to start being more aware of how you're spending your money and start putting money aside because, at some point, you're going to need it. And if you don’t need it, your friends will need it. And if your friends don’t need it, your family will need it. And when that moment happens, you're going to be happy you did. Always do the math.”

So later that week when my girlfriend said, “Hey, Gastor, my sister’s bachelorette party is coming up. I need to buy a hundred condoms for the party so that we could do the party bachelorette games.”

I don't know what you all do with, but apparently you need a hundred condoms to play these games. And she told me that after her Amazon search, the best she could find was Seventy-Seven condoms for $100. I felt compelled to put my father’s words into action. “Every penny counts. Do the math.”

Gastor Almonte shares his story with the Story Collider audience at Caveat in New York, NY in September 2019. Photo by Zhen Qin.

So first, I did the recon with one person. We've been together for a while. I’m not out there having a ton of condom-necessary sex at this point so I call my friend Jeff. He's a bachelor. “Hey, Jeff, listen. Clearly, you're at a point in your life where you're not buying condoms at the corner store. How do you buy condoms in the most economically friendly way? As a responsible adult, I feel like we need to have these conversations.”

And he tells me, he's like, “Oh, you know, I go to Walgreens. I get a 24-pack for 16 bucks,” roughly 50 cents a condom. That seems better but not great. We could do more.

I’m trying to buy a hundred condoms. And when you start verbalizing the attempt to buy a hundred condoms you sound more and more like a really ambitious drug dealer. Like, “Listen, man. I’m not trying to do these little purchases. I want the source. I’m trying to buy in bulk here, you know?”

So I’m looking at my girlfriend. I’m like, “Listen, honey, I can’t let you spend $100 on Seventy-Seven condoms just out of principle. Let me sit down and see what I can find.”

I’m doing Google searches. I’m looking around. It turns out that New York had just launched this program giving away condoms. It was crazy. Perfect timing. If you don’t believe in God, that is a sign of Him right there.

But it was incredible to me. They gave away condoms for any business that was looking to give away free condoms. It had people receiving condoms for free. I thought this was a blessing, so I clicked on the website.

Now, a few things for those of you that haven't clicked on the New York City Condom website and you are now interested in this free condom hustle. Let me let you know right now that it doesn’t function the way you would think. Like I thought I was going to be like, “Hey, listen, I need a hundred condoms. Where can we meet up?”

I thought that’s how it would work. It doesn’t work that way. They make you answer a whole bunch of questions. “Hey, listen, what organization do you work with? How many people are you expecting?”

So I’m filling it up like, “I got a youth group, roughly 25 to 35, all females, about 50 of them, they're meeting once. What do you got?”

And I don't know much about the government but if you don’t know this, and I tell you all this so you all can learn today, if you ever ask the government of the City of New York, “Hey, listen, how do I get free condoms,” they take that seriously. Say what you will. MTA, they haven't solved it. But this condom situation, they got it locked down.

I asked. I said 50 people, condoms, one time. I got 2,000 condoms sent to my house, and 1,000 packs of lube, in boxes that were clearly marked ‘New York City Condoms’.

Now, when you receive 2,000 condoms and 1,000 packs of lube, you-- like I know I filled out a chart online to receive it but I still feel like I did something wrong. Like say there's a crime happening here. I don't know what it is, but there's something illegal about me getting this many condoms. Because there's no event where 2,000 condoms is the right amount of condoms, right? Like whatever you're thinking of, this is still too many condoms.

So I’m looking at the condoms clearly. I take them into my room. I hide them because I’m concerned. You know, I just had a conversation with my dad. And it’s not that-- my dad knows I’m having sex. I’m not nervous about him finding out I’m having sex, but we just had a serious talk about me making smart economic decisions. Every penny counts. Do the math. And I don't know any smart decisions that start with you receiving 2,000 condoms and 1,000 packs of lube. I wasn’t ready for that conversation.

So I take them to my room. First thing I do, I call up Gabby, my honey. “How many condoms you think you'll need for this party?”

She said, “I don't know. 50 to 100.”

“So can we do like forty of these parties, because I got a problem here.”

And she comes over to the house. She's like, “What the hell did you do?”

I was like, “I told them what was happening. Apparently, when you say 50 women that go into a party, they say, well, they need 40 condoms each and 20 packs of lube.”

I don't know what is happening in the New York single scene but that’s impressive that they're living their life that well out there.

So yeah, we got to move this product. Like what are we going to do here? This is a lot of merchandise that’s in my room.

So I’m like, “Honey, you got to take these with you.”

“I can’t take those with me. I need a hundred condoms max. I’m not taking all these condoms.”

“Honey, this is your fault. I got 2,000 condoms in my house.”

She's like, “Gas, let’s think about this logically.”

So I’m staring at the condoms. I open up the box. It comes out. There's nothing but condoms. They're packed in these real plastic see-through bricks in rows of 250. And it has paper on top. It tells you some of the data, you know, like 98% of pregnancies can be avoided with condoms.

So I’m staring at this like, oh, I’m saving 1,960 possibly frustrated couples if I just give these out.

So I’m like, “Honey, this is a moment. This is us doing the math. Every penny counts. I’m not just saving you $100 on Seventy-Seven condoms. I’m saving 1,960 couples from $200,000 in payments raising possible babies. I need to give out these condoms.”

She's like, “Gastor, that’s a mission that you are going to have to do on your own.”

We’re married now, by the way. This is my partner.

But I go about it. I call up my friends. I call them over. I’m like, “Yo, I got condoms.”

And I learned something. I lot of single people need condoms, they’ll tell you they need condoms if you ask them in conversation. “Hey, guys, the sex life,” you know, whatever, whatever.

But when you call people and directly ask them, “Hey, do you want condoms?” Nobody says yes. They all ask the same thing. They're like, “What’s going on?” Like why does something got to be wrong because I’m trying to be a good friend and give you condoms? I’m trying to be helpful here. You know, this is for you.

After three conversations of me having to explain for ten minutes about the condom situation and nobody agreeing to take more than a handful of condoms, I felt like I had to start treating it like Primerica. Like I needed to have people come in bulk to a meeting and sell them all at once.

So I had all my friends meet up at the house, “Yo, listen, man. You guys are out there. You're doing your thing. Happy for you, guys, live that single life. That’s fantastic. But you know what? I want to live that single life with you guys for much longer than the next nine months. So I need you guys to take some of these condoms.”

And everybody starts getting shy. Normally, my friends brag after the party, “You know, I got with this beautiful woman,” blah, blah, blah. “You know, I bagged this girl the other day.” All of a sudden, when I’m giving away condoms, everybody want to be all shy about it. “Oh, I only need five condoms, G.”

And I’m like, “Listen, you don’t understand. I've got 2,000 condoms and 1,000 packs of lube. You can’t be shy about this situation. I need you to be ambitious. Go out there and use as many of these condoms as you can. I’m just saying you are now allotted 20 condoms each, all right? That’s the minimum order you're taking.” And I handed them out.

I called up my friend, Mark. It was his birthday. I said, “Yo, Mark, you're getting a brick of condoms, 250 condoms. I believe in you, you know.”

He said, “Yeah.”

My friend Eric was there from the navy. He's like, “Yo, we dock at the base in different countries. That would be like three to six months.”

I say, “You need a brick of condoms. You got to save everybody on this boat, man. This is the future of America. They can’t be protecting people’s borders if they're worried about their kid in Malaysia because they didn’t have a condom that day. Here is 250 condoms for everybody on this boat. Make it happen out there.”

And I gave them all out. It took the whole weekend. It took effort. I was out. I was down to like 400 condoms on Sunday night and I was like, “Listen, man. I’m going to just put these out at Crown Fried Chicken.”

And when you start giving out condoms at Crown Fried, initially, people look at you a little weird, but then you become very popular at Crown Fried. Because, first, you got to explain it. Like, “Yo, what’s going on?”

I’m like, “I’m just giving out condoms here.”

“Condoms?”

“Yeah, condoms.”

And everybody looks at you funny for like the first half hour. Afterwards, everybody’s like, “Yo, that’s the Condom Man. You all go find the Condom Man. He's giving out condoms.”

Everybody knew me, Condom Man. I got you. I gave out 400 condoms, 400 packs of lube, one night, Crown Fried Chicken. I didn’t pay for my chicken that day either.

When you give out 2,000 packs of condom and 1,000 packs of lube over the course of two days, you are tired. Ironically as tired as if you had used 2,000 condoms and 1,000 packs of lube. So I woke up a little late that day. I needed to help out my dad walking around the neighborhood, going to the different buildings that he owns.

At least three or four times people will come up to me, “Hey, Yo, Condom Dude, you’re good people, man.”

“Yo condom, yo this your dad? Yo, Condom Dude, you made a good son with Condom Dude, man.”

“Yo, Condom Man is your son? Yo, listen, man. He's a blessing to this neighborhood.”

It was warm but, admittedly, he was a little confused. He's like, “I don't know what’s going on here but you seem to have reputation.”

And the first time somebody calls you ‘Condom Dude’ to your dad’s face, you want to pretend like, “Oh, I don't know. People crazy in Brooklyn, Dad. I don't know what’s happening.”

But by the third time you get called ‘Condom Man’, you got to own it.

He's like, “Gas, what’s going on?”

I was like, “Dad, I took your advice. I want to save money on some condoms. Needed it for the bachelorette party. I found a way to get free condoms. I got way too many free condoms, so I gave out the condoms.”

He said, “Why did you do that?”

I said, “Because you told me I got a responsibility. Every penny counts. You told me to do the math. And if you do the math, at some point you'll need it, your friends will need it or your family might need it. And when you have it, you'll be happy you did. I took that to heart.”

He said, “Gastor, this has nothing to do with that at all, but I can see how this might work.”

I was like, “Thank you. Thank you.”

We finished the one-hour work and, four weeks later, my dad knocks on my door. I thought, you know, okay. He seems to have let this go. I think we’re on good terms now. He's banging on my door after I ain’t responding.

I’m like, “What’s going on, Pop?”

He's like, “Yo, Condom Man.”

I’m like, “What happened? Why are you calling me that, Pop?”

“You got a new delivery.”

I get to the door. It turns out, when you sign up for free condoms with the government of New York City, they think that you will need these condoms consistently every 48 weeks for the rest of your life. So I spent two years just giving out thousands of condoms all over Eastern New York.

And I'd like to think like I saved so many couples from my neighborhood from having babies that they weren’t ready for yet. And it’s a beautiful thing all because I did the math and I gave out a few condoms and I know how to use Google. Thank you very much.