Angel Yau: My Mom Did My Homework

In grade school, Angel Yau excels at science -- because her mom does all her work.

Angel Yau is a storyteller, sketch comedian and filmmaker from Queens, New York. She began her comedy career (unintentionally) writing her high school student government speech. She's been featured on the Risk! and Mortified podcasts.  Her performances were apart of the Seattle Sketchfest, New York Sketchfest, North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, Women in Comedy festival and more! Currently, she has a monthly show called, "VHS Present" where storytellers bring their home videos and childhood creations back to life.  She is working on an autobiographical, stop- motion animation series. She is also part of AzN PoP!, the first all Asian- American female sketch group to have a run at UCB Theater in NY. She finds humor in solitude, rejection and alienation.

This story originally aired on July 14 2017.

Story Transcript

So I won my first science fair project in first grade.  We had to create the solar system, and mine was the best.  It was carefully detailed, it was created with finesse, and it was just a great piece of art that my mom made for me. 

So that felt really good, guys, but it was a secret that I lived throughout all my life and it felt good to just let it out.  But I have another secret.  My mom did all my science projects. 

So you see, my mom was a stay-at-home mom at that time and I was the only child.  My dad kind of coaxed her to come to live in America.  Then he tricked her to marry him.  Just kidding.  They're in love.  Yes, they're still in love.  Thank you. 

So my dad was getting a degree in interior design at FIT at the time, but he thought that he should stop putting money into this degree and just start working so he could start a new family and so he could give money into that.  Because of that sacrifice, my mom was grateful, but she felt trapped.  My dad was an old-fashioned guy so my mom was just at home all the time cleaning and cooking and taking care of me. 

But then when I got into school and started doing all these projects, that was kind of her time to shine.  Guys, we won like every year mostly because, to be fair, we lived in kind of a poor school district. I just remembered this girl, Annie.  She would photocopy a chapter of a book and hand it to the teacher and she was like, “I typed it on a computer and here is my report.”  This was the early nineties so computers weren’t that popular, but I’m like, “Annie, come on.  We could see the edges of the paper.”  At least just put a cover on that report.

So not a lot of competition.  And then sixth grade comes around and that was kind of like the last project.  We wanted to win because that was the last year before I go to junior high school and high school so it would suck if we didn’t win. 

Earlier that year, we did a – excuse me, my mom did a report on acid rain so she thought we should do something about pollution.  So I was like, "Yeah, sure.  It sounds great.  Pollution sounds good.”  Then she would come to me, and she went to the school library and the public library and just borrowed all these books about, you know, science.  I would just look at reruns of Mutant Ninja Turtles and I’m like, Oh my God, cartoon pizza looks so delicious. 

My mom would be, “When do you want to collect this polluted water?” and I’m like, “Later.” 

A week later, she's like, “Come on.  Let’s collect some polluted water.”  I’m like, “All right.” 

Then a week later, she's like, “The project is due in a week and we have not collected any polluted water.”  She's like, “Let’s go to Costco.” 

So the Costco by us, there's this kind of like a lake behind it and it’s, like, near factories.  I guess, to my mom, it was just the dirtiest water there was in New York.  So that was where we decided to collect the water in. 

So it’s my dad, my mom, and me.  My dad’s driving the construction van, because that’s what he does, and we’re going to buy bulk food anyway.  Might as well since we’re at Costco. 

So we drive there and we get to the water and we realize it’s so hard to get to the water.  There's like a wall and then we would have to climb down these rocks.  There's no way. 

My mom got so angry, she's like, “Why do you always do things last minute, Angel?  This is impossible.” 

Then my dad, he thought of getting… he had these takeout containers, like the cylinder ones.  He put holes in them and he had string.  He just fashioned this and he made, like, this pail.  So we just went to the edge.  Hopefully, no one was watching us.  And I kind of dipped, collected the water with the pail.  It took a few times, but we finally got the water and it was great. 

So since it was due in a week, we kind of fudged the data a little bit.  We microwaved the plants to make it look a little bit more gross than it was.  And we won.  We won. 

Thanks. Guys, did you know that polluted water is worse for plants than not polluted water?  What a great discovery, right? 

So then a few months before sixth-grade graduation, my teacher pulled me to the side.  She's like, “Come here, Angel.”  I was like, She knows.  She knows everything.  I’m a fraud.  She's going to be like, “Give me back all those ribbons, give me back all those A-plus-plus pluses.”

She was like, “Angel, all the sixth grade teachers decided that not only you have great grades but you're the sweetest girl.  We think that you should be the valedictorian of the elementary school.” 

At first I was like, There's valedictorian in elementary school?  But then she was like, “Your parents would be proud.” 

Then I was like, First of all, Asian parents are never proud.  They're never proud of their kids.  Secondly, I just felt like a fraud.  Like my mom did all this and I didn’t do anything.  Now, I’m placed number one. 

It’s funny because I always overhear my parents talking on the phone with their relatives in China and Hong Kong and, apparently, the school system there everyone is ranked.  Like if you're best, you're number one, and if you're average you're number two hundred and fifty-two, or whatever.  So my relatives are always asking what’s my number, so I’m glad we don’t have that in America. 

Now, I’m like, Now my mom could say I’m number one. 

But feeling guilty, I just took that one sentence my teacher said.  She was like, “You're also really sweet.”  So I’m like, My mom, I didn’t copy that from my mom.  I’m sweet on my own.  That’s why I got valedictorian. 

Then, also, we had to make a speech for being valedictorian.  So this is the last thing I have to do during sixth grade, grade school.  I’m going to write this speech on my own.  That meaning I borrowed a book.  It was Tricks of the Trade for Kids.  And there were articles like “How to Make Your Own Business,” by Mrs. Fields, or “How You Can Be A Good Neighbor,” by Mr. Rogers.  And then my favorite, “How You Can Get Mighty Biceps,” by Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

All these articles are for kids and they're just inspiring.  So I kind of took like bits and pieces of it for my speech. 

So I have a treat for you guys.  I have my speech.  I’m going to read it to you.  But before I read it, I just want to say I always question my smartness because of my mom.  Because my teachers and peers they're like, “She's the smartest girl,” but they don’t know that I procrastinate a lot, I’m lazy, I like to cut corners, I have to read things at least five times before it gets in my head because I can’t retain information. 

So when I was reading this speech earlier recently, I was like, I think I really did learn something from my mom. 

So here’s the speech.  I’m going to try to read it like a twelve-year-old Angel Yau. It was in Howard Beach, Queens.

To give context, and I always give this context about Howard Beach, Queens, it’s the New Jersey of Queens.  I was the only Asian.  That’s another.  So here’s the speech.

“Good morning, Mrs. Gerimeda, parents, and students.  Hi.  My name is Angel Yau, and I will be doing the final speech for this morning. 

First of all, I would like to congratulate everyone for being here.  You all deserve it.  You've already learned much of what it takes to be successful in elementary school.  It’s much the same no matter what kind of school you're attending or what work you're doing.  If you want to know what being successful is, it’s a combination of doing and wishing.  Wishes can always come true so you can certainly start by doing. 

The most important part of being successful is learning to think for yourself.  Now, thinking for yourself is the single most important part of your life.  That means seeing your options, learning to make smart decisions, and taking responsibility for your own actions.  It also means being aware of what’s around you. 

So you make some mistakes along the way.  It’s all right.  We all make mistakes.  At least you tried. 

I have found that in order to be successful, you must determine what you want, what your goal is.  That’s what graduation is all about.  Who here is aware of the wonderful world around us, the opportunities, and much more? 

But first we have to thank all our teachers throughout the years, especially sixth-grade teachers, Ms. Cantrell, Ms. Carlson, Mr. Goodman, Mr. RIalo, faculty and our office people.  We also have to thank our principal, Mrs. Gerimeda. 

Lastly, we want to give our hand to our parents because I know that each and every one of us have supporting parents and they're always trying to help us along the way. 

As you build your own path, always remember that there are so many people who want to help you, your friends, your family, and teachers.  They can help you, but remember, you have to help yourself. 

Study hard.  I hope you do well in the future.  Yesterday is the past, today is here, and there is always tomorrow. 

That’s the best advice I can give you.  So all you have to do is this.  Think first, think fast, and be yourself.”

Thank you.