Actor Gail Thomas is invited to take part in a study testing mushrooms as treatment for depression in cancer survivors.

Gail Thomas has several resumes: writer/actor/teacher/filmmaker/lawyer. She is a Moth StorySLAM winner and has performed with RISK!, Sideshow Goshko, the Liar Show. She teaches for the Story Studio. Voiceover credits include David Letterman, Beavis and Butthead and Angelo Rules. Her short comedy, My BFF, rated 95% funny on Funny or Die and audience favorite at New Filmmakers. As a speechwriter for the Tribeca Film Festival and the Gotham Awards, her words were uttered by Oscar winners and fancy people with great clothes. Gail is currently working on her fashion sense.

This story originally aired on Dec. 1, 2017 in an episode titled Psychotropic Substances.

Story Transcript

When my nurse practitioner asked me if I wanted to do a study for cancer survivors with anxiety and depression, I was offended.  It had been two years.  I got through the chemo.  I got through the relationship breakup.  I even got through the loss of my little dog Rusty.  I survived my cancer; a year later, he didn’t survive his. 

But I'd gotten through the post-traumatic stress syndrome.  I didn’t overreact at Laundromats anymore.  I could be flexible about where I folded my towels.  In fact, cancer was good for my self-esteem. 

I learned something that a Midwestern girl doesn’t necessarily know.  I learned how to stand up for myself.  My decisions were important.  I stood up to doctors, I stood up to family members, I stood up to cab drivers, I stood up to that guy at the Laundromat.  Anybody who wasn’t good for me was out.  I got rid of all the toxic people, and there was no one left. 

I was different now.  I had changed into somebody that I didn’t really know.  My life was really exciting when I was making treatment decisions, chemo or radiation, life or death.  Now that I was back with the regular people, it was like Starbucks or the local café, soymilk or skim.  It was dull and ordinary.  I wanted to talk to people who had life-or-death situations.  I felt separate, like I had gone off to this far planet and then I came back and I didn’t speak the language anymore. 

So, “All right,” I said to my nurse practitioner.  “Tell me about this study.” 

She ushered them into the room, Dr. Ross, who’s very straitlaced, sort of short clean-cut haircut and a tweed jacket, and sort of a nerdy-looking awkward fellow, about mid-thirties, accompanied by Gabby, whose hair was up in a bun.  She wore a flowy skirt and they sat in front of me.  Dr. Ross explained that this study had been done previously at UCLA and Johns Hopkins and that I would only need to do one drug and then one placebo.  There would also be four months of free therapy.  Now, I didn’t really want any more therapy, but I do like a good deal. 

So I said, “All right.  So, tell me what’s the drug?” 

“Psilocybin.” 

I was like, “What?”  Magic mushrooms.  Oh, my God.  Timothy Leary and like Ram Dass and all that stuff.  Magic mushrooms.  I'd never had the guts to do them myself.  I knew other people who’d had, but I was sort of a straitlaced kid in college and in my twenties and I already was kind of hyper and a little bit of an over-thinker so I was sure that I would be the person that would jump off the roof. 

But this was an FDA study.  My friend Joe says I’m the luckiest unlucky person he's ever met.  I got cancer, but I get to do mushrooms, legally with FDA approval.  It’s like winning the cancer lottery.  Sign me up. 

I was Patient Number Thirteen.  We started the therapy and there were lots of forms to fill out.  Gabby had them.  It was like, Rate one to five.  Do you feel depressed?  How are you eating?  Have you gained weight?  Are you happy?  Do you have suicidal thoughts?  The forms went on and on. 

Finally, it came the day for the dosing.  I’m so excited.  They had asked me to bring items from home that were comforting for me.  So I brought Rusty the dog’s little squeaky duck and I brought some pictures and some – they had flowers there for me, and snacks.  I walked into the room and they had two chairs where the two doctors, Dr. Ross and Dr. Kyrustalli, would sit and watch me on this fold-out futon while I had my experience.  I felt that might be kind of boring for them, but it was my day. 

So we got in a circle and we held hands.  They had a chalice, actually, that they had this little pill that had been measured especially for me that I guess had all the synthetic mushroomy stuff inside it, or not.  It was in a little glass jar with my name on it.  They put it in the chalice. 

And we stood in a circle and held hands and he asked me for my intention.  I’m like, “Peace, love, my intention is to do the drug.  Give me the drug.” 

I took the drug and I lay down.  They had a pillow and a blanket, and I put it over me.  They also had gotten together these NYU doctors, this whole team of people, and made this playlist of like crazy music that I could listen to the whole time.  And they had an eye mask for me to wear. 

My friends had all told me, “You know, you should really go out into the woods.  You need to be with nature if you're gonna do ‘shrooms.  Gotta do it in nature.” 

I’m like, “This is an FDA study.  I’m pretty sure they're not gonna let me out of the room.” 

So I lay down and I sat there and I didn’t feel anything.  I was like, “Oh, damn.  This is the placebo.”  Then, about thirty minutes in, there was this rush of information into my head.  It was just all coming at the same time.  It was like every philosophy class, every yoga class, every deep thought that I'd ever heard of or I thought I had and heard in my own life was all coming in at the same time.  It was a lot of information. 

There weren’t really like dancing lampshades like I thought there would be.  It was more like little sketches and stuff.  I saw two papier-mâché colorful cow heads going across.  And I saw a cat that was chewing on my bicycle.  I don't know what that meant.  But it was a lot of information. 

I clutched onto my little dog Rusty’s toy and I opened up my eye mask to look at Dr. Ross and he's sitting there and he's like, “Trust and let go.  TLO.  Trust and let go.” 

So I put the eye mask back on and it just kept coming, all the information.  Then I suddenly saw this beautiful field, like Little House on the Prairie, and it was this gorgeous open field with a little house in the back.  There was this lady standing in the middle of the field.  She looked so happy and so healthy, and I thought maybe she was me, or somebody I admire greatly. 

Then I saw a table.  I suddenly was over this table and it was sort of this round table, like a pie chart, and there were these little sections that were divided out of the table.  In one of the sections I looked at it, I looked down on top of it and it was cancer at the table.  I was like, “Oh, my God.  Cancer’s at the table.” 

And I looked and there was more and then my family was at the table.  They were all sitting around.  I thought about how I judged them, because they hadn’t said the right thing when I had cancer.  My brother wanted me to do tons of treatment and my sister didn’t want to do research and my mom came for the surgery but she wouldn’t help me out with anything.  I’m waiting on her, but then I realized they tried their best.  They meant well.  They love me.  They're actually there for me. 

Then I started to see more things and I thought about how I was an artist and I used to paint and I used to draw and I don't do that anymore.  I thought about how I went on stage and I used to perform and I really liked that, but I didn’t do it anymore.  I wanted to participate because I didn’t need to be isolated, because we’re all connected.  And that didn’t make any sense.  You have to participate because it doesn’t matter if you're old or young or sick or healthy.  You're all together because we’re all connected. 

So death has a purpose because the purpose of death is it tells you that you should live.  You should really have a good time because you're not dead.  You should just have fun.  You're alive. 

So it just kept going.  Then the IRS was at the table.  I looked at the table and the IRS was there, because it was just after tax time.  Then I was really annoyed because I was like, “I don't want the IRS in this trip.  It’s supposed to be a spiritual journey.”  Then I realized the IRS is at the table because everything is connected.  Death and life and my family and cancer and the IRS, they all belong at the table together because we’re all connected. 

Eventually, the trip sort of faded out.  I took off my eye mask and I looked at the doctors and they asked me some more questions.  They had me fill out some more forms and I wrote everything down.  That’s why I remember it.  My friend picked me up and they gave me some flowers and I went home in a cab. 

I remember being in the cab driving home and we passed these two women sitting at a café, an outdoor café and I was like, “Look at them.  They're friends.  They're talking.  They're really happy they're friends.  They like to be together.  Isn’t that fantastic?” 

I had the great privilege of being Patient Number Thirteen out of twenty-nine.  The results of the study, I guess they call it a paper, was published this past December in the Journal of Psychopharmacology.  The name of the study, the paper was “Rapid and Sustained Symptom Reduction Following Psilocybin Treatment for Anxiety and Depression in Patients with Life-Threatening Cancer: A Randomized Controlled Trial.” 

It’s long, too.  It was very successful.  In over 80 percent of us they noted a rapid and immediate decrease in stress that lasted at least six months. 

That was five years ago and I have changed.  Things happen.  You know, the things that happen are not actually good or they're bad.  They're just things that happen.  I don't have a perfect life now, I don’t have the perfect job or relationship, but things happen. 

One of the things that happened is I was cast in a commercial playing the supportive sister of a cancer survivor.  In one of the times we were shooting everything, I walked by the monitor and I noticed the camera was focused above and looking down on our family’s table where we would all sit together and support each other. 

We are all connected.  Someone made this building; they built this building.  Somebody put all the buildings all over New York City and they made the subway and they made the streets and they made the beer and they made your shirt and they made my dress.  Sometimes I feel lonely, but I know that I’m not alone and I do not feel separate anymore.  Thank you.