When his students keep having “accidents" during nap time, kindergarten teacher Alvin Irby investigates.

Alvin Irby received his M.S. in Childhood Education from Bank Street College of Education and his MPA in Public and Nonprofit Management and Policy from New York University. He is a former kindergarten teacher turned award-winning social entrepreneur, comedian, and author. As Founder and Chief Reading Inspirer at Barbershop Books, Irby was awarded the National Book Foundation’s Innovations in Reading Prize. His TED Talk "How to inspire every child to be a lifelong reader" has been viewed over 1 million times. Irby's clever social commentary and humorous observations earned him a coveted spot in the StandUp NBC national showcase. His fresh perspective and smart brand of humor shine through in his 2018 comedy album "Really Dense." Irby’s debut children’s book, Gross Greg, combines his passion for early literacy and humor while capturing the hilariously gross behavior of kids everywhere.

This story originally aired on September 20, 2019 in an episode titled “Miseducation.”

Story Transcript

I was a kindergarten teacher and it was one of the best experiences of my life. But having a Master’s degree in Childhood Education from Bank Street, I learned a lot but there are certain things that I was not prepared for.

Accidents was one of them. I didn’t say ‘accident’. I said ‘accidents’. For those of you who have never taught kindergarten, I mean peeing all over the place, all the time. Like one accident, it happens. That’s normal. We all know that. But accidents, okay, this is what happened.

So one day during class, a little girl walks up to me and she's like, “Mr. Irby, I had an accident.”

I’m like, “Oh, are you sure?”

And she's like, “Yes, Mr. Irby. I’m sure.”

I’m like, “Okay, no problem. I can do this.”

But that wasn’t the thing. She started getting real aggressive. She was like, “Mr. Irby, where my jeans at?’

I’m like, “Excuse me?”

She slowed it down like I was special. She was like, “Where-my-jeans-at?”

I was like, first of all, this is not cute. This is not cute to be peeing on yourself like this. This is not a game. This is not normal.

Now, in kindergarten, parents send the children to school with an extra pair of clothes in a big gallon Ziploc bag. So in my classroom I had a huge container full of Ziploc bags with extra clothes.

So I say, “Okay. Wait over here. Don’t touch anybody. I’m going to get you your bag with your clothes.”

Now, I go to rummage through and I find her bag, but it does not have jeans. It actually has some ugly gray sweatpants. But I’m an adult. I did not laugh at a child. That would be inappropriate to do that. I would not do that to a child.

I handed it to her but I did say, “Here are your jeans.”

So I send her out down the hallway with her large Ziploc bag and I say, “Don’t take a long time. I'll be waiting.”

And when I turn around, there were three students with their hands raised. I had not asked a question so I don't understand why they would be so curious or whatever was happening with all the hands.

One of them speaks and she says, “Mr. Irby, we had an accident.”

Now, I’m like, “Oh, you’re the little pee representative is who you are. You are the pee representative of the others. You're all synchronizing your peeing is what’s happening in this classroom. This is not normal.”

So at this point, I’m confused because I’m like when I was a kid, if somebody peed on themselves, everybody would just make fun of them. There was social pressure to like don’t pee. Not a good idea. Like don’t do this.

But this is like post-modern kids so you don’t talk about anybody. Right? I had to say, “Stop that. Don’t make fun of people. Everyone has accidents.”

Then one little girl wants to be all smart. “Mr. Irby, do you have accidents?”

“No. Mr. Irby does not have accidents. I’m grown. I’m not in kindergarten.”

Where were we? So I’m trying to figure out what in the world is going on in this classroom that everybody is peeing everywhere all the time. So, okay, I taught at a charter school and at this charter school everybody had to wear uniforms. You had to wear uniforms, just khakis and a little standard school shirt unless you had an accident. Then you got to change into your jeans.

So I was convinced at this point that there was like a little pee gang in my classroom. So what was happening is that they will get together in their little pee gang and instead of getting jumped in, like you were a Crip or a Blood, you get peed into the gang. That’s how it worked in my kindergarten.

So I was just imagining these little girls hanging out and saying, “If you want to be in our gang, you got to let it go. And we’re not talking about a little tinkle, tinkle. You got to change into your jeans,” because I was a very imaginative teacher.

Okay, let me explain. When I taught kindergarten, it’s my first time ever teaching kindergarten. They had nap time. I had no kids. One that I have climbed Machu Picchu. I even climbed little Huayna Picchu. That’s the little mountain on top of Machu Picchu. I have run three marathons. But you know what was more difficult than all of those? Getting a room full of four and five-year-olds to go to sleep at the same time. You're more likely to find a celibate crackhead. It’s just next to impossible is what I’m saying. What I’m saying is not likely to be able to make that happen.

So I’m brilliant. I decide I am going to play nature music. This is what I’m going to do. It’s very relaxing and it worked. The kids started falling asleep.

And I was like, “Wow. Well, if this will relax them and make them fall asleep, go and nap, I should just play nature music all day and just relax the kids. Right? All day.

Now, what I hadn’t anticipated was Pavlov’s Theory of Classical Conditioning, is what I’m saying. Nature music has certain sounds, like ocean sounds and creek sounds and river sounds, so I should have known. There were signs. There were warning…

Like in kindergarten, the only thing harder than getting all these little kids to fall asleep was trying to wake them up after they had actually fallen asleep. At first, I tried. You know the first week I was like, “Hey, time to get up.” I pat them real gently on their back but they were dead. They didn’t move. They didn’t breathe or nothing. They just stayed there.

And I said, “Okay, this is not going to work.”

So then I did some experiments, minimal risk. I learned that what you have to do to wake up kindergarteners is you just have to grab them under the arms, you just pick them up and stand them on their feet.

Now, they will lean over. If you've ever been to a 125th Street and Lexington you may have seen the motion. Now, I’m 97% sure none of my kindergarteners have ever done heroin however they would never fall. They would just lean over but they would never fall. They just leaned over.

And so I would pick them up and put them on their feet. So one of these kids, I picked him up and there was a puddle. Not a little puddle. There was a big puddle on his little mat.

And I said, “What were you dreaming about?”

And he said, “Niagara.”

I said, “What?” That’s when I should have known. I didn’t know. That was a flag, a red flag that he was dreaming about Niagara.

What I’m saying is that in my kindergarten classroom, I had unwittingly become like a young black Pavlov, is what I’m saying. I had played the nature music and induced the kids to pee everywhere. It was not my best moment as a teacher. It was not, but I learned a lot.

After that week of the pee epidemic, I decided no more nature music. We’re just going to play jazz from here on out.

Everybody you all are amazing. Thank you all so much.